Disappointing day ;(

For those of you following my journey & anxious to hear the news of how transfer day went....it didn't happen.
I've got a mix of emotions.  I'm truly upset.  It's taking me time to wrap my head around the news myself, I really thought we were on the right path.  Almost, so damn close. 
I prepared myself physically & emotionally for this day, as much as I could.  :(  I really don't know how else to put into words my disappointment.  I knew that surrogacy wasn't all butterflies & rainbows, but I didn't expect for it to be pulled right out from under me before I even got a glimmer of the sunshine.
I can't go far into details, but I can just say I got the call on my way- almost on the turnpike that there was bad news.  The intended Father wanted to back out.  Just like that.  It's all over............
Trying to put my feelings aside I can't imagine the pain the Intended Mother must be going through.  I didn't want to talk much with her, as I didn't want to come off selfish like I deserved this more then her, because I certainly do not.  I didn't want her to sense my let down and feel any guilt surrounding his decision.  It is what it is, and I'm sure for the best.  She's strong, I'm strong and even though things didn't go according to our plan someone else has a plan for us.  I wish her the best, I can only hope that she is dealing with this with the support and love she deserves. 
 For today, it's hard....it's just very hard, but I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to come this far.  I can move on, I will move on. 

Thank you all for the encouraging words & for being there for me.  Mark my words.....I will be back!

Last sleep until Transfer Day!

So this is my last night of non pregnant sleep! ;)  Here's to hoping!  We have positive thoughts about this.  IM (Intended Mom) feels it & I'm excited for us! 
We're transferring 2 embryos tomorrow morning!  Up & out around 7 or 7:30 so we can make it in time for the 9:30 transfer! 
I have to pop a Valium one hour before, and I'm most nervous about that then anything else!  I just hate not being in control of what I may or may not say or do! :p Especially with the IP's there!  I'm NO good with drugs, even alcohol I get all "crazy"- I'm not even joking!
I hope to update when I can. I'm on 48 hours of bed rest following the transfer....can we say vacation in my bedroom??!! 

Ending 2011 with dream & hoping to make it come true in 2012!  :D 
A Happy New Year it will be! 

progestrone

ok, so I'm blogging before 8pm. Only because I gotta say these shots are the devil! :P  Today was the first one so I'm sure, as the same with the lupron, I will get use to it.  By the time I stopped the lupron I was a pro! These needles are HUGE.....I honestly thought my god by butt isn't that big!!  haha  I thought about calling someone to do it for me but I wanted to do it. (not really- just wanted to say that I did!)
So all said & done I DID IT!!  My butt (more like lower back) does hurt because I had 3 pokes before I got the courage! 
YAY ME!

I am going out tonight with some old friends, love you girls!  We're celebrating me still in my 20's & not knocked up or nursing.....YET!!

The anticipation

I hope everyone had a wonderful relaxing (take that as you may) holiday! I can't even believe how fast it came & went!  The new year is about to begin!  In between now & then I hope to get pregnant! eeekkkk!!  OH MY GOSH!!  Are we even that close!! YES!! 
We're talking about a possible Friday/Saturday transfer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I've got a mix of emotions.  Mostly anxious.  I feel like I have a lot of weight wanting this so bad for both myself & for my IP's.  I'm just being true with my feelings here, I'm not crazy hard on myself.  I know that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  In the end no matter what happens I know that it is what it is.  I kinda stole that saying from my brother. 
So tomorrow, bright & early, another ultrasound and some bloodwork.  The monitoring clinic sees patients in a small window of time in the morning.  I suppose that works for most people who have husbands that don't leave at the crack of dawn.  For me it requires work finding a sitter.  Again, it is what it is! And once we get those results back we will hope still for an end of the week transfer!  Fingers crossed!
Keep you posted!

Ask away......

 Basically if you're reading this you're either a complete stranger who has stumbled upon my blog or I've chosen to share it with you.  Maybe I've known you for nearly 20 years or we just became friends- maybe never even formally met,thanks to the web I have "met" some incredible people!  I want to share this with those who will be honest in there concerns, who want to ask questions, who want to support my choice and who just want to follow along in my dream to be a surrogate out of pure curiosity.  I also want to connect with the IP's so they can follow the journey through my eyes!
The responses have been what I expected and I appreciate those who give me feedback!  Feel free to leave comments or the e-mail, FB message is perfectly fine too.  I will try to answer here in case someone has the same thought.
So for starters, some answers to a few good questions:
~I will be updating here as often as something is interesting enough! ;)  Hopefully a weekly basis- sometimes more, sometimes less. 
~Gestational surrogacy is the only option for me {right now} because I know it would be to difficult to have any genetic link.  Traditional surrogacy is a beautiful thing too!  I can say I would most likely never be a TS, but I can't predict the future.  I think about if I had a sister, or a cousin, or a close friend who struggles with fertility and she needed a TS I can't say what I would say to that.....
~Yes, I'm on meds.  I started w/ Lupron injections.  Believe me the injections scared me more then childbirth (see, again lets question my sanity saying the thought of childbirth was easier then a butterfly needle injection!  lol) but after the first or second time I had it under control.  I also take estrace.  I can give more details on the meds next post.  It's actually really late despite what the time stamp may say.  That leads us to that question.....
~yes, the time stamp on the blog must be wonky.  Typically I will only blog after 8pm EST.
~No, I will not be sharing any personal info w/o prior approval from all parties.  So no names given.  I was asked how I met the intended parents.  I was "matched" through the agency.  I had matched with another set of IP's before this one, who I met independently, but things didn't work out & I wish them only the best.  My IM and I chat when we can, we do not reside in the same state but hope to remain in contact throughout & hopefully after.

Ok, that's it for now.  I'm about to zonk out.  I went into my sons classroom today & do I need to say more??!!!    22 1st graders (well more like 60 something b/c we did combined stations)  I declare all teachers a 50% pay increase!!  ;)

So in all seriousness I truly appreciate the time you take to read this.  Keep the questions coming!
It means so much to me that I have good friends who are happy for me and wishing us luck in the journey! 

Have a wonderful holiday.  Forget the stress, embrace all the love of family & friends!!  Check back soon!

the beginning phases

Here's the "fun" stuff surros have to do in the beginning!  ;)
Back in July I went for a, brace yourself for the medical terminology,  Hysterosalpingogram
(aka HsG) basically an x-ray test, done with dye, to view the uterus & fallopian tubes.  That was an adventurous trip out of state!  Thankful for a good friend who came along for the ride! :)
Then in September hubby and I had a psycological evaluation done, also out of state.  I was nervous, I won't lie.  It's not that I think I'm crazy.....or wait.....could I be??!!!  haha  (intended parents, if you're reading.....I'm KIDDING!!!)
I just was maybe intimidated by all the questions and I guess the fact of the importance of it.  It was 2 hours long!!!!!  All said & done I suppose we passed?! 
Also this month hubby & I had to have tons of bloodwork done.
In October I visited my OB for some general testing & get the green light to move forward. 
Later this month I met w/ a local reproductive endocrinologist (RE) for an ultrasound & bloodwork.
More blood work a week or so later.
On to November- more blood work & another visit w/ the local RE.
A few days later another out of state trip for a mock transfer!!!!!!!!!
blood work a little over a week later!
I started lovely meds about 3 weeks ago!
That sums it up quickly!  :)  July to December!
We should get rolling.....I know someone waiting for a BABY!!!!!!

The "gift"

I thought I'd start this blog at no better time then now.  It's the time of year we all focus on and encourage giving. You know the saying "it's better to give then to receive."  My hope is to give the greatest gift.....and that is life.  I've decided, after much consideration, to become a gestational surrogate.
The back story is that it's something I've thought about for over 4 years.  After our last child, 2 years ago, I really decided to pursue this journey.  Becoming pregnant with all of our children was effortless.  My pregnancies were smooth, the births were uneventful and the outcomes are priceless.  I couldn't imagine my life without them.  Motherhood is a gift, it's a gift I want to help give and that is what brings me to surrogacy.

In January of 2011, holy heck- almost coming up on a year, I took all the steps to educate myself on surrogacy.  I knew that gestational surrogacy was the only way for me because, as opposed to traditional surrogacy, a gestational carrier has no genetic relation.  I decided joining with an agency would be best.  I  felt like they could act as a guide throughout the process and {hopefully} look out for everyones' best interest.  I gained a lot of insight from  fellow surrogates on forums and had several "surro-mentors" advise me on the process. 
Soon after I felt like I was moving in the right direction and things were falling into place!  I became matched with a deserving couple over the summer, we signed our contracts and got this baby making process in the works!!

In my next blog post I will include the time line of all the testing phases that got us to where we are now.  Boring, but necessary!  I hope to have some exciting news to share in 2012!